


Sometimes mantras work

by randaroo13



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Ben Hanscom just wants to feel pretty, Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Everyone Needs A Hug, Everyone is Queer, Gender Identity, IT Chapter Two Spoilers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pennywise the homophobe, Questioning, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier Needs a Hug, Trans Character, sorry I don't make the rules - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2020-10-27 00:20:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20751194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randaroo13/pseuds/randaroo13
Summary: He's alive, he's alive, he's alive, was all Richie could think.  This wasn't like he saw in the deadlights, Eddie was alive! Richie could feel all the things he never said getting trapped in his throat. Pennywise might be dead but Richie still has a long road ahead.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So...I'm literally typing this up as I want to on here so we shall see. Mostly written while high and with no beta reader so...hopefully it's not completely awful. Enjoy the first chapter.

Alive, alive, alive,

ALIVE.

Richie's brain was on a loop, ever since they managed to drag Eddie out of the damned house on Neibolt street he just kept repeating it to himself, as if the word itself could guarantee Eddie's safety. As if Eddie's heart would sync up to the rythym of alive alive alive bouncing around Richie's skull. He'd seen it in the deadlights, seen Eddie die trying to save him, seen himself have to be manhandled out of the sewers kicking and screaming, seen the remaining losers gather around him letting him know he could break. Lastly he saw himself going back to the kissing bridge, wondering how Eddie would have felt if he'd shown him that old carving. 

And then he'd been on his back with Eddie hovering over him with this shit eating grin yelling about how he killed It, and before Richie had even formed thought enough to panic he'd been rolling Eddie fast and hard to the right. It's claw had ran a jagged deep cut through Eddie's right shoulder and for a moment Richie thought he'd still been too late. But Eddie staggered to his feet, and after the revelation about how to kill It the Losers had bullied the clown down to size and finally fucking killed that clown. 

The house collapsing had been something Richie only vaguely remembered from the deadlights, as focused as he was on Eddie, so when it began to crumble he was taken off guard. Half dragging Eddie back through the damned sewers trying to make it out this time, he wouldn't leave Eddie not again, even when Eddie began to fall behind and begged Richie to move. Richie had surprised everyone, including himself, when he shouted "WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS I WON'T WATCH YOU DIE AGAIN" and threw Eddie over his shoulder. Falling to the ground outside what was left of the house Richie took one look at Eddie's face and began to panic, he was too pale, eyes closed, barely there anymore, and Richie was so tired he just began to sob. He felt himself being guided into a car and began to panic before he realized it was Bev guiding him gently to sit in the back of Ben's car, Eddie propped up in the seat next to him, Ben shouting something about a hospital that just barely made it past the fog in Richie's brain. 

And then he was in a waiting room with that same mantra bounding just behind his eyes, alive alive alive alive alive.

And then Eddie was. 

Mike had suggested Richie go in first. Despite every part of Richie needing to know that Eddie really was alive he also felt that old familiar voice in the back of his head whispering..."I know your secret...your DIRTY little secret". He knew from the deadlights that the other losers wouldn't judge him, but he had no idea how Eddie would react. No idea if Eddie felt the same but he could feel the confession clawing at his throat and knew that sooner or later it was going to bubble over and he would have to deal with Eddie's reaction good or bad. Bev sensed his hesitance, and though unsure what caused it swept in to save him none the less, "Hey Rich, how about we get you cleaned up and maybe go out for a smoke before we go in and see him? I think there was a doctor in there still and Eddie's probably tired anyway."

Richie more than happy to take the out follows Bev out into the lobby of the hospital, making a detour to the bathroom to scrub what he could of the grime and blood off of himself before stepping out into the late day sun. Though Richie hadn't smoked in years he accepts the cigarette and lighter thrust into his hands and inhales gratefully. For a few minutes Bev just lets him stand there in silence before she interrupts it with "Richie, you saw something, in the deadlights, didn't you?"

"Yeah of fucking course I did, I'm pretty sure they are designed to fuck with us" Richie huffs out around a puff of smoke. 

"Richie whatever it was I probably saw something just like it. If you need to talk about it...I'm right here." 

Richie wants to say it's fine, that he doesn't want to talk about it ever, but the words die in his throat at the sincere and somehow knowing look on her face. "Bev, I don't even know how to tell you what I saw. You said you saw us all die? I lived an alternate ending to how that battle went." Bev's face settles into something thoughtful, like she's searching her own memories, and suddenly her eyes snap up to meet Richies.

"Eddie...he didn't make it out in that one did he? He got...stabbed? And we had to leave him down there...and then the house collapsed." 

Richie lets out a long sigh through his nose, "Yeah Bevvie that's pretty much exactly what happened! And it really wasn't that fun so I'd prefer to just get over it but...I..." Richie feels the sob scratch it's way out of him but he's powerless to stop it. He almost falls to his knees but Bev is there to catch him, steadying him between her and the side of the building. Richie sobs like he did in that other reality where he lost Eddie and Bev holds him through it. 

"Richie" she whispers into his hair "you love him don't you?" At first Richie freezes, the instinct to bury his secret setting all his nerves to panic. "Hey none of the losers are going to care. We love you Richie." Bev tightens her hold on him and Richie feels himself relax again, managing to push some of that old anxiety out. He was so tired and all he really wanted to do was curl up in the hospital bed with Eddie and fall asleep. The first thing he'd see when he woke up would be proof that Eddie is alive and he thinks that's going to be necessary for a while. Needs to convince himself that the other reality isn't going to suddenly become the real one again, needs to convince himself this isn't another trick of the deadlights. 

"Bev I need to see him but I'm so scared that everything I feel is going to come tumbling out. I know the other losers aren't going to like disown me or anything but...." and he can't bring himself to voice his fear. That Eddie won't want to be his friend anymore, that after all these years and all the feelings that came rushing back Eddie will leave him. He's scared.  
And he's tired.  
And he's sick of being both of these things. 

"Honey Eddie loves you. And even if he doesn't love you the way you hope I don't think you'll ever lose what you have again. I think we'll all remember this time. We've all wasted so many years without each other, do you really think Eddie wants to give that up? Do you really think Eddie fucking Kasapbrak would ever let you go again Rich?" The way she says it makes a warm happy feeling spread in Richie's chest. Maybe it isn't so stupid to think that Eddie might feel the same. Eddie who would flop himself all over Richie when he could have easily just flipped him out of the hammock. Eddie who seemed to gravitate into his personal space at any opportunity, whether he was scared or sad or just having a nice day. Eddie, who despite all his numerous phobias about germs, never said a word if Richie needed a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on. A hopeful part of him that Richie thought he killed long ago starts to flicker to life.

"Bev, do you...do you think he might feel the same way about me?" The smile he sees when he glances down at her is radiant and sends one sliding onto his own. 

"Richie, the boy used to wear short shorts and then practically throw himself at you in the clubhouse. I'm honestly shocked the two of you never ended up kissing on accident with the way you were always flailing around." Bev trails off into a giggle and Richie feels like maybe he can tell Eddie. 

Maybe this could be a happy trip home after all.


	2. Alive and Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie is both alive and awake and Richie couldn't be happier...or maybe he could if he didn't have an almost thirty year old secret causing his windpipe to seize up with anxiety.

Despite Bev's reassurance Richie can still feel the anxiety rising in his chest the closer he gets to Eddie's room. He slips in without glancing up and shuts the door behind him, taking a steadying breath, hands pressed into the door to ground himself. The breath doesn't end up mattering much as all the air seems to get sucked from the room when he turns and is immediately met with the piercing brown eyes of his best friend Eddie Kasapbrak. 

Eddie's lips curve up in a little half smile, not reaching the side that Bowers had plunged a knife in not long ago. "You gonna stare at me like some kind of idiot or are you gonna get over here so I can thank you for saving my life?" 

Richie almost rolls his eyes. Of course Eddie would just start being a little shit despite nearly dying multiple times in the last few days. In a way it's a relief to hear him speaking fast and hyper and so very Eddie, and Richie nearly cries he's so happy. But he realizes he came in here to talk to Eddie, to make sure he was alive, and to make sure Richie doesn't waste the only true second chance he's ever gotten. 

"You saved mine first so there's really no need to thank me Eduardo, you really think I'd let you die when I just remembered you exist? Not gonna happen." Richie can feel himself starting to sweat and he knows that sentence didn't come out nearly as smooth or funny as he would have liked. "I mean....you were my best friend before that summer in '89 even happened. I'm pissed that I didn't remember you for so many years!" 

Richie's really not sure where he's going with this, it's starting to feel like maybe he should have rehearsed or maybe he's going to talk himself in circles and never even tell him what he wants to tell him. 

"I mean how could I forget the only real friends I ever had huh? You guys were my first audience, my first fans" Richie can sense Eddie's smirk at that "You guys made me feel like I belonged somewhere. The last 27 years I've been walking around with swiss cheese brain and didn't even fucking know it dude. No wonder I felt like shit all the time!" Eddie's face seems to fall at that but before he can interrupt Richie pushes on.

"It was like everything I loved at 13 got erased but everything I ever feared or worried about stuck like glue. Fuck I'm not even sure I really knew who I was without the memories of you guys, I had everything but something was still fucking missing. Eddie...I...shit...I got a lot of shit I have to work on now that I remember stuff. I've lived the last 27 years with no actual life goals besides being good at comedy. I don't have hobbies or relationships or any of the shit other people do. That's a fucking dark realization." 

Richie realizes that in his babbling he's discovered a hard truth about his life up until that point. Though it stings he supposes it could hurt worse, at least now he has relationships again. He'll worry about the hobbies later. 

"I guess I should start with telling you something that I've never been able to say out loud before in my life...ok this is gonna suck...all right here we go..."

"Any day now Tozier we just defeated a killer clown you can do this!"

"Shut up Eds I'm getting there"

For once Eddie doesn't tell him to stop calling him Eds. It's like Eddie sensed the panic growing in Richie and decided it was better to give the poor man a minute. 

"I...I'm...I'm gay."

Richie waits for Eddie's reaction but nothing could have prepared him for what he got. Eddie's eyes seemed to widen and he stared down at his own hands for a moment. Then he slipped off his wedding ring and very assuredly stated "Me too." Richie nearly choked on air.

"Did you...did you just derail my coming out with your own? After all the anxiety I had to go through just to get the words out you just go 'oh yep me too that's neat' for fucks sake man!" Before Richie can really start to panic he feels himself laughing, like all the anxiety turned to mush and suddenly he just needs to laugh at the absurdity of his life over the last few days. The clown, the memories, the fucking dead lights, it all just feels funny all of the sudden with Eddie's declaration of homosexual tendencies. 

When the laughter starts to dwindle Richie finally walks over to Eddie's bed. For such a small man they sure did give him a big bed so rather than sit on the shaky looking chair Richie simply slides in on Eddie'st mostly uninjured side in the bed. He only wonders for half a second if he should have sat in the chair before Eddie throws one leg over his and rests his head on Richie's shoulder. Richie feels a lot of the panic and tension start to release from his chest. He can be sure that Eddie is alive with him pressed so close and it makes him feel warm inside and out. 

"Hey Ed's...you were my first crush you know."

"Ok I gave you a pass last time cause you were in the middle of coming out but I told you not to call me tha....wait what!?"

Richie almost gets whiplash when Eddie's stream of complaints screeches to a halt with that question. The part of him not experiencing whiplash actually manages to giggle because of course Eddie would register the nickname before the actual important thing Richie said.

"Yeah I'm pretty sure you actually heard what I said so I'm not gonna repeat it man. This is a lot of emotional vulnerability at one time for me." 

Richie's heart nearly comes out through his mouth when Eddie reaches down and laces their fingers together. "You were my first crush too Richie. I was terrified. You know my mom, it was the height of the AIDS epidemic, she had me convinced that if I so much as thought about a boy I'd get AIDS. But I still thought about you sometimes." The last part comes out quiet and Richie gets the feeling that Eddie may have been even further in the closet than he was. 

Richie is pretty sure he knows the answer to his next question but he has to ask it anyway. "Have you ever, you know, done anything with a guy?" 

Even through his shirt Richie can feel Eddie's face heat up at the question. "Not really...I tried once in college but I got so scared that I left and never talked to him again. I've never actually...done anything with anyone." 

"Dude you were married for like ten years or some shit weren't you? Technically you still are but that's beside the point right now I guess." Richie is thrown by Eddie's confession. Didn't marriage generally equal sex for most people? 

"Myra was raised very religious. Sex is for babies and that's it in her book even though she really doesn't believe any of the other stuff she was raised on. We tried a few times when we first got married but it was clear neither of us really wanted to do it. So we just decided not to have kids and our marriage basically consisted of hand holding and kissing. Maybe occasionally we'd cuddle in bed." 

"I thought hearing about your sex life would make me jealous or something but now I'm just sad dude." Eddie thunks Richie's head with his own at the comment but Richie can feel him laughing as well. 

"Yeah well...what about you? Trash wang get up to anything I'd be jealous about in the last 27 years?" Richie feels a smile break out across his face, Eddie is flirting! With him! And after what Eddie told him he doesn't feel at all ashamed to admit what his own sex life had been like.

"I dated a guy once in college, we did some stuff but not like...anal or anything serious. Um let's see...I had two girlfriends since becoming famous. Both more for PR than anything else. Never did anal with them either." Eddie rolls his eyes and Richie swears he can feel it. "Or anything else. So I guess we're basically on the same page." 

"Richie...can I kiss you?"

Richie thought he'd be nervous, but somehow he isn't.

"Thought you'd never ask Eduardo"

The light slap he received was more than worth it when Eddie leaned in and kissed him.


	3. Call Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The other losers file in. Though dinner at the Orient had been nice they hadn't exactly divuldged all the little secrets of their lives over the last twenty seven years. Every loser seems to have something they need to get out, and maybe they have even more in common than they ever thought. See notes for some TW's about the content of the conversation!

The kiss hadn't had time to get heated before the other losers were knocking quietly at the door. As they file in Richie notes that they all definitely need a shower, like yesterday, with the exception of Eddie who must have been scrubbed down when they operated on his shoulder. In the back of his mind Richie registers that it's probably a good thing they got interrupted by the losers, Eddie probably shouldn't be getting too "heated" until the doctors say so. 

The next few hours go by with all of them talking, finally being truthful about the lives they lived. Bev tells them about her husband, how she'd basically married her dad. Ben is embarrassed to admit that he basically was married to his job, he hadn't been on a date in at least five years and had never seriously dated before that. Mike explains that living in Derry his whole life didn't exactly lead to a happy love life, but he wouldn't trade the last twenty seven years for anything since it brought them all back together. The room feels lighter after he says it, like no matter how rough life had been that was nothing compared to how good it could be now. As the feeling fades Mike questions Bill, "Any regrets from your last twenty seven years? Seems like most of use weren't so lucky in love but you married an actress man." The giggle that slips out of Bill sounds almost manic and makes Mike give him a questioning look.

"Yeah well..I wouldn't say famous equals good. She never really _got_ me. She used to say when we got together that she was not an actress she was an artist on the set. And as a writer I loved that. But I think she was just trying to impress me because all I ever saw her do was exactly what the director told her to." He lets out a sad little chuckle.

"When I said I was leaving...she didn't even ask where I was going. She just yelled at me for leaving the set when I was supposed to be writing the ending that was already late. I even tried to tell her what was going on, but she didn't care. She even brought up the movie contract and how _she_ wouldn't get paid if I didn't finish it."

"I think I loved the idea of her more than I ever really loved her. I think I've done that to more than one person in my life." Bill's eyes slide over to Bev as if to apologize for the times he's kissed her when he didn't really love her but the idea of her. The girl that needed him to be the hero, someone he could save. 

"But I think now that I know that I can change it. I need to talk to her but...I don't think Audra and I are staying together. We were already headed that way I think but this sealed it that's for sure."

"Yeah nothing like a demonic clown from fucking hell to make you realize your marriage wasn't all it was cracked up to be right?" Eddie chimes in. The whole room erupts with laughter, Eddie having broken the somber mood brought on by Bill's revelation. Richie can feel it though, Eddie is still going to say something monumental and meaningful when the laughter dies down. Part of him wants to stop him, wants to say "Ok all that's enough sap for at least the next two weeks. Lets watch comedy central and order some takeout" but he knows that Eddie needs to get this out. Knows that after Eddie does the likelihood that Richie will also feel the horrible urge to be a complete and utter sap is almost one hundred percent. 

"Myra about screamed down the whole neighborhood when I left. Screaming that I was killing her by walking out to go back to my hometown. I tried to tell her that I'd be fine, that she needed to stay there to feed the stupid cat she wanted so bad. She still screamed until the cab rounded the corner, I guess she might have still been doing it but I couldn't hear her after that." Eddie seems almost sad.

"She's not a bad person. Just like my mom wasn't a bad person." And Richie has to bite his tongue, because holy shit Eddie is admitting once again that he married his mom, and Richie _really_ wants to crack a joke. But with age came a tiny, minuscule, almost microscopic bit of self control so Richie stays quiet. 

"But...just like my mom, she did bad things. She didn't let me be myself, she kept me sick, and scared, and babied. And I never wanted to be like that. You guys made me feel so brave as kids, I wanted to feel like that all the time. Fuck that whole memory loss deal, if Id remembered what it felt like to be brave and stand up for myself I would never have married Myra." Eddie's hands are shaking now, the emotion coupled with his injuries making his body give away the anxiety humming under his skin. 

Richie feels like maybe his trashmouth should actually intervene at this point. "Fuck that clown. Fuck that clown for fucking up our lives, for fucking up other people's lives! Bev and Ben could have been high school sweethearts or some shit. Eddie could have been taking like one anxiety pill instead of sixty billion placebos! Bill could have maybe written a good ending...maybe." And he stops to smirk at Bill who is grinning at him. "Mike could have left this stupid racist town and done some cool shit, maybe he would have made a bunch of super good looking babies or something. And Stan...Stan the man would have been there whenever we got back together." And Richie's voice softens, "He would have been there to tell us about his puzzles, and his wife and his birds." Richie is still smiling but his gaze drops to the floor. Talking about Stan will probably always be hard. 

The silence that follows is comfortable. It's full of happy memories of Stan, full of hope for the future now that the clown is gone. Bev is even thinking of calling Stan's wife. She's not sure exactly what to tell her, but she wants her to know that six people out in the world loved her husband a whole lot. Still love him a whole lot. 

"What about you trashmouth?" Mike interjects softly into the quiet room. "How would your life have gone if the clown hadn't fucked it up and made us forget each other?"

Richie decides to just come out with it. 

"Well for starters I might have accepted the fact that I am a _raging_ homosexual a lot fucking sooner." And Richie pauses to let that settle over the room. What he gets for a reaction isn't what he expected.

"I would have bet my money on bisexual" Mike says around a smirk. "Between talking about boning Eddie's mom and cuddling with Eddie in the hammock I thought maybe you just had a thing for the whole family." And Richie laughs, a genuine laugh, it doesn't last long but it rings through the room bright and cheery. 

"I guess I would have figured that out a lot sooner without the clown around too" Eddie chimes in. And he's slipping his hand in Richie's like it's the most natural thing in the world. Like Richie and him didn't spend the last twenty seven years pining for something, _someone_, like they have been together their whole lives. And even with the forgetting Richie thinks its still kind of true, Eddie and him were always connected, even when they didn't know each other's names. 

What Richie isn't expecting is for Mike to pipe up from his seat near the window "Yeah...I knew I was bisexual forever but there was no way I could do anything about it since I never left Derry. We all know Derry isn't exactly the best place to be anything other than straight and white." 

"MIKE REALLY?" Richie shouts, earning a glare from Eddie who had been far too close to Richie when he'd done it. Mike chuckles through his response "Yeah, that summer was the first time I started to realize it. I'd never really had any friends before that let alone five new guy friends who weren't shy about dog piling together on a pile of blankets. Not to mention the scandal of there also being a lady present!" He's all but shrieking with laughter by the end of it. Clearly pleased at how shocked Richie is to discover that not only is he not the only queer member of the loser's club there are two others! 

"What like being bisexual is all that rare? I wish there had been another girl in the losers club, I had to have to particular realization at thirteen." Bev manages to get out around her own giggles. Before Richie can process that Bill clears his throat.

"Um..a-a-a-are are a-any of us s-s-s-straight?" Bill manages, his anxiety bringing back the stutter that had stopped when they squeezed Pennywise's heart in the sewers. "Show of hands, who here is a straightie?" Richie quips, keeping his hand not occupied by Eddie's firmly in his lap. Ben sheepishly raises his hand.

"I..well I'm not sure if it really counts though" he mumbles quietly. Bev gives him a quizical look, "Why wouldn't it count if you only like girls?" 

Ben's face is a deep red, struggling to get the words out. He flounders and puts his face in his hands, shaking his head. Richie throws him a bone.

"Ben, hey, man you can tell us. No one is gonna make fun of you. My worst fear was telling everyone that I was gay but really my fear should have been all these assholes upstaging me by also coming out all at once." He rolls his eyes towards the other losers, showing his clear disdain that they decided to one up the Richie Tozier. 

Ben lets out a strangled little laugh. Richie smiles, glad that he helped at least a little. "I...I'm not sure I'm really completely a guy? I've never felt comfortable in my body and I always thought it was because I was a fat kid. But..now that I'm remembering stuff I also remember wanting to wear pretty stuff and be called cute and have longer hair and..." he trails off faze blazing red obviously overwhelmed to be saying it out loud. Bev snakes her hand in Ben's. 

"Hey, that's okay. Ben we all love you no matter what. _I_ love you no matter what." And she catches Ben's eyes. "You don't have to decide anything right away. Sit with it, figure yourself out on your own time, I'm going to be here with you no matter what. We all will. If you decide you want to be called something else or need support with anything you can tell us. Right guys?" And Bev breaks her eye contact to look out over her friends.

They all nod encouragingly. "Want us to use they pronouns instead of he 'til you figure it out?" Bill asks, "A lot more people are using that when they don't feel like a man or a woman or they aren't sure yet". He could explain that he knows this because of a character he wrote about but that could be a conversation for another day. 

Ben nods. "Yeah I think, that might help. It might help me start to figure it out." And then they smile, and even though they are blushing furiously still, it lights up their entire face and makes them look happier than the losers have seen them since they were all kids.

Richie huffs then "Was Stanley the only loser who didn't land somewhere on the LGBT spectrum?" 

Bill smirks and Richie can't decide if he wants to hear what comes next. "I-I-I am not sure Stan was straight either. W-W-W-W-we kissed one time. When he s-s-s-stayed over after his failed Bat Mitzvah. When his parents were mad at him." Richie throws up his hands.

"Outstaging me even in death Stan the man".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eddie still needs to call Myra, you can't exactly ghost the woman you've been married to for ten years. And as much as Richie needs to find a new angle to upstage the losers since his coming out was a bust he doesn't think that the tabloids declaring him dead is necessarily the way he wants to do it, so maybe call to his manager wouldn't hurt.
> 
> TW:
> 
> Ben talks about gender identity and feeling's of body dysphoria  
Bev mentions her abusive husband  
Eddie talks about his relationship with Myra and his mom
> 
> I think that's it. Stan is also mentioned so TW for talking about him being dead.


	4. Bonus chapter: What If's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y'all are getting a fast update because I'm feeling motivated and because this fic now has over 500 hits! Thanks everyone <3
> 
> This is sort of like a bonus chapter because I initially was going to just have the losers all leave instead of falling asleep all over the room. So...bonus chapter for how well received this fic has been :)

The little coming out party seems to have wiped what little energy the losers club had left. Bill is barely keeping his eyes open, Mike had begun to snore softly a few times but shook himself awake each time, Bev and Ben are curled around each other like puppies on one large chair. Eddie's eyes have been staying closed longer with each blink, Richie seems to be the only one still wide awake.

He can't stop staring. Not just at Eddie, though he does linger there the most, but at all his friends. He can't believe they are all here in this room, that they all made it back out of the sewers. Can't believe that they get this second chance, can't believe that not only did no one bat an eye that he was gay they all _upstaged_ him! Richie can't decided if he wants to laugh or cry at all the wasted years, all the years he could have been inviting friends to his shows, all the years they could have been together for shit like graduations and weddings, all the years he spent feeling like a chunk of him was missing. 

And he does want to cry for all the years wasted hating himself for something that didn't need to be a big deal. Richie wishes more than anything that the losers had gotten the chance to grow up together. Part of him just _knows_ that if they had stayed together he wouldn't have hated himself for so long. Eddie wouldn't have married a woman, Bev wouldn't have married her dad, and maybe Ben would be more comfortable in their body. He thinks about how much easier high school would have been if they had been together. Richie doesn't like to think about high school, he'd had almost no friends and the few he did have threw the word fag around just a bit too much for him to be truly close to them. He doesn't like to think about lying awake at night with what felt like the world's dirtiest secret sitting on his chest. He believes the other losers would have noticed him struggling, he never was good at hiding from them, it would have come out eventually. A smile creeps onto his face as he realizes that it would have gone well when it did, they all would have just upstaged him like they did today. 

"You know I can just _feel_ how hard you're thinking over there trashmouth" Eddie pipes up.

Richie is startled at first, he could have sworn Eddie was asleep. 

"You know that we are kissing terms you should probably give me a cuter nickname than _trashmouth_ Eds."

"And you should give me one better than Eds," Richie tries to interrupt him "AND before you say Eddie Spaghetti just know that is my least favorite nickname of all time...and I hate you." As much as Eddie tries to sound serious Richie can see the crinkle of a smile at the corner of his mouth and the way his eyes shine at the banter.

"You wound me Eds. And I was actually going to say that I personally think the best nickname I've ever given you is _Eduardo_ and no I'm not taking constructive criticism on the topic!" That gets them both laughing softly.

"Seriously though Rich I could hear you thinking over there. I was worried smoke was going to start billowing out your ears. What are you thinking so hard about?" Before Richie has the chance to answer, Bill (who Richie also thought was asleep damn it why are all his friends so _sneaky_?) snorts. 

"Honestly I would love to see that, Richie with smoke coming out of his ears would be hilarious!" Bill informs them. All the losers seem to have stirred from whatever sleep-like state they had fallen into, and Richie realizes that they are all watching him and he still didn't answer Eddie's question. Eddie's hand, that Richie had sort of forgotten he was holding, squeezes his own in that moment. It's nice and it makes Richie feel a little less weird about everyone listening to his answer.

"I was thinking about how life would have been if we'd all grown up together. It's stupid to think about I know, but it just, it's sad you know? We could have been the weird gay kids together but thanks to a memory wipe and a demon clown that didn't get to happen." Saying it out loud seems to finally release some of the hurt and anger Richie is feeling, 27 years of self hate and missing memories won't be fixed in a day but Richie guesses it's a start at any rate. The room is silent for a long moment, all of them thinking about what life could have been without Pennywise. But then Mike has a thought,

"Would we have even met? Only Stan, Bill, Eddie and Richie were friends before that summer. Without all the shit that happened, maybe we wouldn't have even met? I probably wouldn't have known any of you guys if it wasn't for that summer. Even if we did become friends would it have been the same? Would we still be so strongly connected after all these years if we didn't have to fight a murder clown as kids?" 

The silence returns again, but it feels different, harsher. It feels like having a bucket of ice water thrown over you, to think that the people you care about so strongly could have never been in your life. To realize that some things may have been better but you would have never had this amazing group of people in your life is a big thing. The weight of it blankets the room, making the already exhausted losers slump further into their respective seats. 

"Well," Eddie says "I guess it doesn't matter does it? We'll never know if we would have been friends without the stupid clown. For all we know half of us would have been married to the other half like twenty years ago if it hadn't been for It. Or we could have never met and lead super boring but safe lives. There are way too many possibilities so I personally am just going to focus on the fact that I have you all again. And also on trying to convince myself that forty isn't _that_ old so it's not like I wasted my life or anything." He chuckles a little at the end and Richie senses that Eddie might be just a wee bit worried that forty is super old. As kids it had felt that way but Richie likes to think he's got at least another twenty years before his body completely gives up so he can't be that old. 

His thoughts are interrupted by an extremely loud yawn from Beverly. "Well I guess that's my cue to leave" she say's standing up from the chair, tugging Ben up after her. "We all should probably go get showers and some sleep." She looks out across the room at her friends, they are dirty and scratched up, and one is in a hospital bed but she's so happy to see them all alive. "You be ok for a few hours by yourself Eddie?" 

"I'll be okay, if I'm not a nurse is only a call button away. You guys all need to shower. They scrubbed me down in surgery but you guys are like...an infection waiting to happen. I'm surprised they let you all in to see me!" Eddie looks like he wants to sleep and Richie knows he needs a shower and he _knows_ that he should try to sleep but he can't seem to move from Eddie's side. As the other losers start to gather at the doorway Richie feels himself start to shake. 

"Richie?" Bev questions, all soft and sweet like she might startle him. "Honey I know you want to stay but you need to shower and get some sleep. You can't help him if you don't take care of yourself." 

Eddie butts in "And the him in question is in a fully staffed hospital with medical doctors a button away. You could not pick a better time to leave my side Rich." And he smiles at Richie, and it's warm and it makes Richie's heart constrict in his chest. 

"Eds...I...I don't think I can leave that long. Isn't there a shower in your bathroom here? I could just use that." Richie can feel his anxiety rising, he doesn't want to leave Eddie because Eddie could die still. Richie doesn't think he'll stop believing that until long after he's out of the hospital. He worries that he'll wake up in the hotel and when he leaves the room he'll be back in that other reality where Eddie didn't make it. It feels suddenly like there isn't enough air in his lungs. 

"Hey Richie breathe. Yes there is a shower in my bathroom you can use but you still need clean clothes, and Rich you gotta get some sleep. You're going to keep having worse and worse panic attacks until you do." Ah so that's what this is Richie realizes, he's having a fucking panic attack because Eddie wants him to go get cleaned up and sleep. Richie is shaking like a leaf and he still hasn't managed to move an inch or let go of Eddie's hand. And, before Richie even realizes it's going to happen, he's sobbing. Quiet choked sobs, like they don't want to leave his body, and he's still stuck in the same spot and the air in his lungs feels _old_ but he can't seem to get any new air in and....

His panicked train of thought is interrupted when Eddie wiggles his hand free only to place both of them gently on either side of Richie's face. He still can't quite seem to get air in but it feels a lot less like it'll never happen again now that Eddie is there in front of him trying to get Richie to look him in the eye. 

"Hey Rich, look at me okay? How about this, you go back to the hotel, grab a duffel with some clothes in it. Grab some of mine if you wouldn't mind, the doctors told me I can wear my own PJ pants. And then you can come back here and take a shower and I'll see if the nurses can bring in a cot bed or something. That work Rich?" And God Richie feels so ridiculous that after all the shit they've been through in the last few days Eddie is having to talk him down from a panic attack because he needs to leave for a while. But Eddie's explanation does sound good, even if the nurses don't find him a cot bed. He's perfectly okay with the oversized chair thank you very much. 

So he nods at Eddie and he feels the air start to come back into his lungs. After a minute the shaking stops and Richie finally manages to drag himself from his spot by the bed. "I'll drive you Rich" Bev chimes in and he's grateful. The shaking could start up again at any moment and he's not sure what he'd do if it happened while driving. "I'll be here when you get back Richie. Honestly I should probably call Myra while you're gone..." The way Eddie trails off is sad but Richie knows he really should let Eddie have this conversation without him. As much a part of it as Richie is, he also isn't. They were married for ten years before he came back into the picture, he can give Eddie a few minutes on the phone with her. Richie almost chickens out on kissing Eddie goodbye but at the last minute he darts back from the doorway to plant a chaste kiss on Eddie's lips before abruptly turning and chasing after Bev.

As they walk through the lobby he feels Bev press a lighter and a cigarette into his hands and once again Richie thinks of how damn _grateful_ he is that Beverly Marsh exists. He's tired, and he's feeling more emotions than he knows how to deal with, and he desperately needs a shower but as he lights up the cigarette he's mostly just glad that these people are his friends.


	5. Phone Calls and Hard Conversations

As the door slips closed behind Richie Eddie lets out a long breath. Now was the time. He didn't exactly want to call Myra but it's not like he could just...disappear? They had been married for ten years, just because Eddie finally realized that they shouldn't have done that doesn't mean he can just pretend it didn't happen. This wasn't like when they were kids and he accidentally broke something, he couldn't just hide it and hope no one found it. His phone sits on the table next to him, and Eddie sort of wishes he hadn't left it in the car before going into the sewers. If he had just left it he could put this off a little longer...

A frustrated sigh escapes Eddie as he leans over and snatches the phone up. Before he can overthink it Eddie unlocks the phone and hits the button to call home. It rings and Eddie has only a second to pray that she won't answer before Myra's shrill voice is yelling down the line at him "EDWARD KASAPBRACK WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? I've been calling all your work friends, I called the police, I kept getting told 'He's a grown man Myra, he packed and told you he was leaving, there isn't anything we can do' and I kept _insisting_ that they needed to find you. You weren't well, that you must have had some kind of mental breakdown and that this just wasn't like you. Oh Eddie please come home, I'm so worried about you, I thought I would die Eddie. I thought I would just DIE if you didn't call soon, oh Eddie", Eddie can sense that given half a chance Myra will keep talking, keep moaning about how much she _needs_ him, how much he needs her. So he interrupts her. 

"Myra, I'm not coming back." The silence on the other end is louder than anything Eddie has ever heard from her.

"Myra...I...we...I shouldn't have ever married you Myra. I'm sorry." And he is sorry. He's sorry that they both just wasted the last ten years in a marriage built off of almost nothing. He wants to be sorry for other things, like not loving her, not being honest with her, not having kids with her, but he isn't. Myra was manipulative and, though Eddie was hesitant to label it as such, it may have even been abusive. His mother and Myra looked to the outside world like they loved him so much, but Eddie knew better.

"Eddie...you...you can't just say things like that. You're my husband! I love you Eddie. You need to come home, wherever you are it can't be safe! Lord knows the things you've been exposed to in the last few days, have you even been taking your medicine correctly Eddie? I know how you are when someone isn't taking care of you." 

"No Myra I haven't been taking them because I don't _need_ most of them. I'm actually in a hospital right now, not that you actually gave me a chance to tell you that. The doctor says that other than the nasty accident I was in, that you also didn't really give me a chance to tell you about, I'm a healthy man. I don't need someone to take care of me Myra. That's not what love is, love is when you take care of someone until they get better. You don't just keep pumping them full of meds when they don't need them Myra. That's not love". 

She's silent for so long that Eddie thinks she hung up. When she does speak Eddie is surprised at her words.

"You're right. We should have never gotten married." Eddie thinks for a moment that she gets it, that she understands that she hasn't really been Eddie's wife all these years but his caretaker, and maybe she will get a second chance now too. This thought is unfortunately short lived.

"I would have absolutely never married you if I knew you were going to _hurt_ me like this Eddie. I've taken care of you for the last ten years, dealt with all your issues, talked to the doctors when they didn't believe that you were sick. And you are sick Eddie, don't let those doctors fool you, they don't know your medical history the way _I_ do. Eddie you can still take it back, we can fix this, but you need to tell me where you are so I can come take care of you. You need those medications Eddie, especially if you're hurt, I'll start packing n-" Eddie explodes.

"MYRA I AM NOT COMING BACK AND THAT'S FINAL." He shouts into the phone. "My lawyer will be in touch" he snaps just before disconnecting the call. 

Eddie is tired. That had gone about as well as he'd expected it to but he hadn't stopped to consider how much energy that would drain out of him. As his eyes slip closed he has a moment to think 'I hope Richie can wake me up when he gets back' before drifting off completely.   
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Richie speeds through packing a bag with his and Eddie's clothes. Bev had given him a half a pack of cigarettes shortly after returning to the hotel, Richie had attempted to refuse even though he wanted them, not wanting Eddie to give him shit for picking up the habit again. He's glad now she had gently insisted that he at least take them. Speeding through packing the bags means that Bev isn't done showering quite yet, so Richie is left with nothing to do but smoke. 

He watches the smoke drift up into the quickly darkening sky and almost chuckles at how calming it is. Richie also realizes that it's the first time he's been really alone for more than a bathroom break since all this started. He expects that realization to make him feel on edge or something but is surprised when it doesn't. All he really feels is tired and anxious to get back to Eddie. And filthy. He definitely feels filthy. As tired as he is, that shower in Eddie's room is the first place he's going. 

Richie is half way through his fourth cigarette when Bev comes walking out. Her hair is wet and she's got on what Richie suspects are Ben's sweatpants and t-shirt, and for the umpteenth time that day Richie is grateful that Beverly exists. He feels bad for a minute that she rushed her shower and is now getting ready to drive him back to the hospital. She must be just as tired as Richie but she's powering through for him, Richie almost wants to tell her to go to sleep. He could theoretically drive himself...but then he remembers the panic and the shaking and realizes that as tired as she is, she's holding it together better than him. 

So instead of telling her to go back to sleep, or saying that he feels bad for making her bring him back (he's pretty sure Bev wouldn't hesitate to tell him he's being dumb for that one) Richie simply hands her a cigarette and heads toward the car. He'll have to come up with some way to thank Beverly for all this when he isn't sleep deprived and one sad song on the radio away from a complete breakdown.


	6. Braver than you think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tired soft boys having important conversations

The shower is nice, washing away all the gunk from the sewers and leaving Richie feeling cleaner than he has in years, but Richie can't really enjoy it. His hands start to shake as soon as the worst of the grime is off and it's all Richie can do not to fall over as he tries to rush through lathering up and rinsing off. The black sweatpants feel luxorious against his skin, a soft t-shirt and flannel combo rounding out the outfit. He'd slipped Eddie a pair of pj pants when he walked in and when he walks into the room he see's that Eddie put them on. Eddie looks very warm and comfortable, and most importantly _alive_, and Richie's whole chest seems to swell with warmth and affection at the sight. 

"Quit swaying on your feet and get over here Trashmouth" Eddie is grinning at him and Richie feels his own face stretch into a grin.

"Eds you _really_ gotta give me a cuter nickname. At least Eds is just me messing around with your name. Trashmouth is what everyone calls me." They both laugh, knowing without having to say it that the nicknames will never change. Though Richie does intend to throw in a few actual cute ones just to keep Eddie on his toes.

"So...the nurses couldn't get you a cot bed Rich, sorry" Richie just keeps smiling.

"It's all good Eds I'll just take the big chair over there."

"Rich no dude, you can't sleep in a damn chair after all the shit we've been through in the last few days!" 

"Well I'm not leaving dude so unless you have a better idea I'm using the chair."

Richie almost misses the red flush creeping across Eddie's face, the way he stares at the sheets instead of at Richie as he says "You...you could sleep next to me. The beds big enough, and I really don't mind now that you aren't covered in sewer grime, and the call went horribly Richie and I just want to sleep an-" 

Before Eddie is able to work himself into a full panic Richie slides in on his left side and pulls the blanket over them both. Richie doesn't let himself overthink it as he wraps his arms around Eddie's middle and rests his head on top of Eddie's own. They are both so tired but Richie knows that after that bit of panic talking Eddie probably really needs to talk about what happened while he was gone.

"I'm sorry the call went bad Eds. Do you want to talk about it?"

A chuckle escapes Eddie and Richie can't help but think that it's the least happy chuckle he's ever heard in his life.

"I don't _want_ to talk about it Rich but I probably have to. I hate making people mad Richie, annoyed yeah but not truly upset, and she was so mad. She was screaming at me about how I couldn't do this to her and that I needed her because I'm not well. I tried to tell her that what we had wasn't good, that it wasn't love, I told her I was sorry Richie. And I was sorry that we wasted eachother's lives, and for a second I thought she got it. But then she was screaming about how she would have never married me if she knew I would hurt her like this, and how I wasn't in my right mind and she was going to pack a bag and come get me and that I needed to tell her where I was...I...I screamed at her that I wasn't coming back and she would hear from my lawyer." 

Richie is proud. He's so god damn proud of Eddie right then. Richie knows that for all that Eddie is a little spitfire, he also really wants everyone to be happy, sometimes at the expense of his own happiness. What Eddie did tonight was all for his own happiness and Richie needed him to know how amazing that was.

"Told you you're braver than you think Eds." Richie had meant for it to come out confident but he all but whispers it into Eddie's hair in the end. 

Eddie shifts in his arms so that his big brown eyes are staring up at Richie. It feels a lot like a happy version of the deadlights, where Richie can see all the love they have for each other and nothing else. He didn't think his heart could feel any more full of love until Eddie spoke, "You make me feel brave Rich. You always have." 

The kiss they share after is soft and slow. It's not going anywhere and neither are they, they just need to be close in this moment. Richie always wants to be close to Eddie and if the way Eddie curls into his side after they stop kissing he feels the same. Richie knows there will be nightmares, there will be hard conversations, and he needs to call his manager before the press declares him dead, but in that moment he knows it'll be worth it because Eddie will be there with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be the last chapter? Idk, if anyone wants to leave some feedback that'd be awesome. I have more that I could add but I feel like it might be harder to wrap up then? We shall see, hope everyone has been enjoying.


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